Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #33

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TWIBS!

Why does my name cause people so much trouble? I mean, it’s a word in the English language, even.

Have you ever even seen Sam Rockwell and Dax Shepard in the same room? I’m not convinced that they aren’t the same person.

YouTube: where you can see absolutely everything unboxed.

I like it when it suggests the hammer and sickle. Communism is awesome.

Abe Vigoda: the only human who was 94 for 70 consecutive years.

I also swallow gum. I’m a rebel.

It reached 47°C. I died several times. I don’t think that white people belong in Tucson, especially not ones as pale as me.

One day, I will be rich to travel around in tour bus. One day.

The sign outside of O’Hare International Airport says, “We have such sights to show you.”

I ended up not killing anybody. People should really thank me for every day that I don’t end up killing them.

 

 

GLORF!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #32

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TWITZ!

According to the internet, this may not have been a meteor at all and may have been a flare that someone fired off, which just makes the event all that more bizarre. I guess someone was trying to signal for help and I didn’t come to their aid. :/

Does it still count as a fruit serving when it’s surrounded by chocolate?

The snuggle-pooch goes nuts for peas. He sits there and whines at me like he’s starving to death, until I give him my peas.

VEGETABLES ARE GOOD FOR YOU!

The Phlegmish are a very stuck-up and snotty people.

Hey, people building apartment buildings, include some sort of parcel drop-off box so that your tenants don’t constantly complain about their stupid Amazon crap getting stolen.

Mr. Falcon didn’t fly so good.

Maybe, I should have gone up and talked to him, even though I was carrying a bag of poop? People say that cute little dogs are babe-magnets, but they always fail to factor in all the poop.

Remember parity? Wasn’t that a golden age?

Are people taking bets on the date of my inevitable coronary event, yet?

 

 

BLARGH!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #31

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TWOOBS!

Granted, the “angry” thing was just a turbulent sea, but that was incredibly violent imagery for Bob Ross.

My god, the contrast was staggering.

Yeah, I don’t care if you’re turning right. Pedestrians have right of way and forcing people to jaywalk is just damned rude.

Just when you think that bagel technology has progressed just about as far as it can go, humanity makes a breakthrough that shatters the previous generation’s bagel record.

Truly, these are the bagels for the Information Age.

https://twitter.com/Laurel_Green/status/665739933009747969

He shows me that he loves me by farting and begging for cheese. Then the cheese makes him fart some more.

PETS ARE WONDERFUL!

Laurel, there are people who are starving and don’t have access to clean water, and here you are bathing in chocolate.

Fuck you, I got mine.

With style. You take the Ritz off with style.

I buy a six-pack for my ribs and a six-pack for my tummy.

Seriously, remove those fabric pills. It instantly makes a sweater less frumpy.

I sure really lay off the weird spicy spirits. For one thing, they’re always using spice to cover up that it’s a poor quality liquor and then I wake up with a headache.

 

 

SLOOOOOOORP!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #30

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TWEWBS!

They were very old and unsexy people. Come to think of it… One of them may have just needed special pillows for a back problem.

And now he’s dead.

Was his last movie Independence Day 2? That’s sad.

I only care if they find life if that life happens to also be tasty.

Can you get Botox injections inside your nose?

You might think that I eat an awful lot of Halloween candy for an adult. And you’d be right.

I’ve had a certain tab open for about two years now. I can’t close it because of nostalgia.

And about a quarter of those are Wincest images.

Did you know that many teas are actually supposed to be steeped at less than 100 degrees? Also never wash your teapot.

Kids are all super fat these days, so I guess it’s not that bad that the Halloween candy is getting smaller.

 

GRAGH!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #29

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MICRO BLOGGING IS THE BEST!

Speakers’ Corner was the best, but I guess we have YouTube now and don’t need it anymore.

Remember the Devil’s Advocates? Whatever happened to those guys? Remember when one of them ran for mayor?

The Rogers Centre is always going to be the SkyDome to me.

It’s all a part of God’s plan, Laurel. His design is PERFECT!

I would watch a show that was just entirely an hour of manbutt every week. I would be enthralled.

I have Resting Bitch Face™, because I don’t smile maniacally like an idiot constantly.

I theoretically enjoy makeup, but in practice, I only manage to make myself look like an asshole clown.

I hate Star Wars, but I love weird lipsticks.

Rockets are called Smarties in the US and Smarties don’t exist in the US at all. The Canadian version of a candy is always the superior one.

I have an Aspartame addiction. THE HIPPIES WERE RIGHT ABOUT ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS!

Honestly, the Devil seems like a pretty okay dude. Ever read the Bible? The Devil always gives people a choice whether to the listen to him, without any threat of consequence. It’s God who threatens people. Pillar of salt and whatnot.

I always embarrass myself at dinner. Invite me somewhere really fancy, if you want to see me spill things on my boobs.

For serious, lingerie industry, get your shit together. Sizing isn’t even consistent within a single brand.

 

 

*Laurel slinks away, unoticed*

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #28

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RETTIWT!

Yes, we get it, GRRM. The Middle Ages sucked and everyone died.

I don’t even know why I watch Game of Thrones anymore. It’s stupid and sleazy and I hate it… Buuuuut, I ‘ve invested so much time into it already, I guess I have to see it through to the end.

Has anyone ever gone into anaphylactic shock from a blackfly bite? I get a swollen bump about the size of a small apple every time a blackfly bites me. It would really suck if a teeny tiny bug caused me to die.

It was in the middle of the day, too. Why can’t drunk, gross guys ever tell when they’re standing too close to people?

One time, I found a spider egg sac in one of my bras. I like spiders. Why do they keep trying to feast upon me?

Does it actually count as a three meat pizza when all the meats are technically pork?

Well, you see, what happened was that England defeated France in the Eugenics Wars. That’s why Picard speaks with an English accent.

I still don’t have one of those stupid cookie warnings on any of my websites. If a person doesn’t know that pretty much every website uses cookies, then they deserve whatever bad thing happens to them… which will be nothing.

Schooling can teach you how to be smart, but it can’t teach you how to be a smartass.

Yeah, Drunk Laurel, yer REEAALLL special and junk.

I’ve grown as a person since this and no longer enjoy artificially flavoured liquors. I’m thinking of becoming one of those assholes with five different bottles of bitters. I’m thinking of saying “mouth feel” a lot.

 

I’m going to commit certain deeds now. See you later.